The Name Game

I really struggled coming up with a name for this blog.  When I was thinking about starting my own, I would look over all those listed on blog rolls like Stirrup Queen’s List of Blogs and be impressed and more than a little cowed by the creativity I saw when it came to blog titles.   I confess I probably would have started this blog sooner if it weren’t for the major blog name block.  Finally, as these things typically happen, I had my burst of inspiration when I least expected it…  on a conference call with a co-worker who was driving me up the wall.  (One shouldn’t necessarily correlate the fact that I work in HR with me being a people person.)   As I was on the phone trying to keep my frustration from coming through, I mentally started singing an old childhood standby to myself – The Patience Song.  This is a song from a children’s CD called The Music Machine, which has great little songs about joy, peace, love, and my nemesis – patience.   The song is sung by a father snail – Herbert – to his son and goes thusly:

Have patience, have patience, don’t be in such a hurry

When you get impatient, you only start to worry.

Remember, remember that God is patient too,

And think of all the times when others have to wait for you.

As my sister and I have grown into adulthood, we’ve both developed a charming tendency (at least we think so) to sing the song to our mother and respective husbands anytime a gentle reminder is needed.  I’ve also been known to sing it myself – hence the rendition mid conference call – to try to bolster my highly limited patience reserves.  This time, however, as I mentally went through the lyrics it struck me how related this is to dealing with infertility, which is an incredible test of one’s patience and ability to wait for answers, for understanding, for meaning, and to keep a hope and spirit going in the face of that wait.  Thus, a name was born.

Right back at ya, Universe!

I think at some point all of us dealing with infertility feel at some point that the universe is flipping us a giant bird by arranging for constant reminders of what eludes us at every turn. I am having one of those weeks – and given that I’m under the influence of Lupron – not dealing with it well. May I illustrate…

Yesterday, after doing a careful inventory of my left-over meds from IVF #1 to send to my coordinator in preparation for IVF #2, I logged onto my e-mail to send the list her way. There, in my inbox, was an e-mail with the always clever “Hello Stranger” subject line from a former co-worker with whom I have not spoken for at least 2 years. Since I’ve made it my New Year’s Resolution to try to reconnect with former friends who have faded away due to time and circumstance, I eagerly opened it. The first part was harmless – just telling me about her change of jobs. The second part read as follows:

“I also have some personal news… I am having a baby in about 3 months! We are very excited for our little surprise! I guess life happens :-)”

Why yes, I suppose life does happen. Just not to me — at least with respect to surprise babies… Not even with drastic medical intervention come to think of it. I was surprised by the funk that this e-mail kicked off. Up until now, I’ve been pretty lucky in that I could genuinely say that pregnancy news in others didn’t kick of a maelstrom for me, but this was different. I think it was the “whoopsie” like manner in which the news was presented. (In fairness to this person, she has no idea that we’re dealing with this, so this wasn’t an issue of insensitivity – just bad timing.)
The second reminder is a little harder to compartmentalize, because I’m in the throes of dealing with it at work. I work in HR and manage a team of 9 – all women. As of today, I have 1 person out on mat leave (in Canada no less, where mat leaves are a year – definitely a topic of another post), 1 going on mat leave in February (also in Canada), and 1 who just let me know today that she will not be returning from mat leave. Much of my time at work as of late is trying to figure out how I’m going to cover for all of these – particularly since given the economy, it’s likely I won’t be able to replace some or all.*  The irony of simultaneously feeling both horribly put out from a manager’s standpoint and personally jealous is not lost on me. I don’t begrudge any of these women (2 of whom did not have an easy road getting there) their happiness, but enough already. You know how when you buy a new car and just about every 3rd car you see on the road is the same as yours? Well, here’s the deal, universe – I haven’t bought the car! I’d appreciate a little break on the pregnancy reminder drive-bys!

Edited to Add:  In Canada, because maternity leaves are a year, it’s common to bring someone in on 12 month term contract to cover the workload while the person is on leave.  Didn’t want people to think that I meant permanently replace.  Full compliance with FM.LA and all applicable Canadian laws here!

Inaugural Post

Starting something new is always hard – where to begin…? While I’m a bit of a latecomer to the world of blogging, I’ve recently become very entrenched (at least by way of lurking) in a particular blogging community – that of my fellow adventurers in infertility. Now I’ve decided to jump in with both feet – both by capturing my own story here in this blog and also by commenting on those that have been such an important part of my journey thus far. Here’s the short version – more to come as the story unfolds. I’m 37 years old and married to an amazing guy – I’ll call him LG here (not his initials but rather shorthand for the nickname we use for each other). It took us a long time to find each other, but we finally did and now have a year of marriage under our belts. We knew we wanted a family, and because of our ages (he’s 43) and my medical history – my right ovary and fallopian tube were removed about 10 years ago due to borderline ovarian cancer – we started trying right away – literally on our 1st night of marriage . While I was not then the scholar on all things TTC that I would later come to be, I knew enough to know it was the ideal time of the month and naively thought we were going to have a honeymoon baby. In fact, I worried about having kids before we really had time to enjoy our new marriage. Fast forward 6 months filled with temp charting and nearly obsessive tracking of all other activities in the general area of impact. At that point, we realized things weren’t going to be that easy. We were prepared to wait the requisite year, but instead followed the advice of a friend who had gone before who advised us to take matters in our owns hand and go to an RE right away. So we went and did all of the testing, and…na da. Unexplained. That being said, our RE suggested we go straight to IVF. Needless to say, we left that appointment like a deer in headlights. We were expecting a lecture on patience, and instead came out with a binder full of forms. After much conversation, debate, and a few tears (mine), we decided to go straight to the big show. And there the story begins.